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16. Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.

17. A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?" 
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread." 
So the duck says, "Got any bread?" 
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that." 
"Got any bread?" asks the duck. 
"No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!" 
The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?" 
"No," sighs the barman. 
So the duck says..."Got any bread?"

18. Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. 
Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. 
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. 
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." 
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" 
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. 
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. 
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."

19. Texan: “Where are you from?” 
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” 
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

20.  Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face. 
She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today." 
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....." 
With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?" 
Sally replied, "No... really salty!"

21. Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style 

- the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

22. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

23. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. 
Usually she slept through the class. 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. 

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" 

The Teacher fainted.

24. A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". 

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." 

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." 

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" 

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, 
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" 

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

25. A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. 
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" 
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. 
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. 
"But I'm not an American," the man says. 
"What are you then?" asks the mother. 
"I'm an Iranian," the man says. 
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: 
Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.

26. Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife 'look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !' Wife replies 'yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse ...'

27. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

28. A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." 
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. 
The man stood up again and made another offer. 
"I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." 
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 
A blonde woman timidly spoke up. 
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

29. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

31. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

32. A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, 
"I would like to see a bikini that fits me." 
Clerk, "me too..."

33. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

34. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control

35. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. 
She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!" 
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. 
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. 
The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???" "DO IT!." 
So the nurse sucks it back. 
"That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well. 
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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